Dear Diary

Dear Diary,   

I was listening to "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks, and couldn't help but think about the past, present, and future all at once. This is an incredibly beautiful song and will always spark a vivid childhood memory of mine. For a few summers, our family would pack up the van and venture off to Denver to visit some relatives. There were five of us... Mom, Grandma, Jenny, Joey, and myself. Since it's a 15 hour drive with stops, we always began our journey in the evening and drove into the night - with Mom and Grandma trading "wheel duty". About 5 hours into the drive everyone was sound asleep, while I kept coming in and out of a light sleep with Fleetwood Mac (The Chain album) playing in the background. At one point, Stevie's raspy voice awoke me, but she wasn't the only one singing. Mom was singing along to "Landslide" and smiled over at me. I remember feeling so lucky in that moment. Lucky to be going to Colorado, lucky to hear this beautiful song for the first time, and lucky to have my recently-sober Mom smiling over at me, lyrics flowing from her lips.

Mom struggled with a drug addiction from the time I was a toddler until I was a middle school student. Needless to say we missed out on seeing our Mom play the typical "mommy role". I do, however, still feel blessed for my childhood. We had grandparents who loved us dearly and made neighborhood friends every time we moved. Speaking of every time we moved, I attended 7 schools before college. A new apartment complex each year was the norm. There were a few times we went without electricity due to unpaid bills, but us three kids would always make the most of it. We would build forts in the living room and sleep with the door open to let in fresh air (as fresh as Phx air could get). At one point, things reached an ultimate low. We were evicted, and spent a few nights sleeping behind Wal-Mart in the back of a pickup truck. This is most likely the reason I will stop and talk to bums (with wise judgement)... because everyone has a story. I know there are many who have ruined it for the group, but not every "bum" has been that way forever, and it's likely they had a totally different life prior to being on the streets. Sorry, I'm starting to get off topic.

Back to my amazing Mom, and why this song will always resemble the past, present, and future. Each time I hear these lyrics they take me back to that moment of Mom singing in the car, force me to evaluate my present happiness, and give me hope for the future "seasons of my life". Mom may have let us down as children, but boy, has she made up for it. She is open and honest about her past, and hands down, my best friend. She's determined, sincere, creative, selfless, and always a phone call away. She's living proof that you can hit rock bottom and choose to change your life. What makes me even more proud is that she became clean without the help of a support group. She simply woke up one day, realized she was in her mid-30's with three children, and could no longer live that life. I am forever grateful that she gave "being mom" a second chance.

With love,

Nikki

11/11/11